What happened when I followed The Secret's advice for two ...

There's no secret to The Secret. The book and movie simply state that your thoughts control the universe. Through this “law of attraction” ... Advertisement Advertisement Tweet Share Comment Tweet Share Comment ListentotheMP3audioversionofthisstoryhere,orsignupforSlate’sfreedailypodcastoniTunes. Advertisement Advertisement Advertisement Advertisement Decadesbeforethebest-sellerwaspublished,myfatherknewthesecretofTheSecret.Hewasawaretherewerepeoplewithesotericknowledgewhocontrolledallthewealth,hadallthepower,andwerespecificallyexcludinghimfromgettingany.Heboughtthebooksofhistimethatpromised,likeTheSecret,tounlockthesemysteries.Ilovedlisteningtohimspinhistheoriesabouthowthingsreallyworked—untileitherIgottoooldtobelievehimanymore,orhisspinningtookhimfurtherandfurtherawayfromreality.Hediedwithnothing,livingunderanassumedname. So,IwillacknowledgethatIcametoTheSecretwithanegativeattitude.WhenIboughtit,Iquicklystuffeditintoaplasticbag,glancingaroundBarnes&NobletomakesureIsawnooneIknew.ThelasttimeIwasthisembarrassedatabookstorewaswhenIboughtTheGSpot,anotherbest-sellerthatprovidedinstructionsforachievingbliss.FortheHumanGuineaPigcolumn,Iusuallydothingsthatreadersaretooembarrassedortoointelligenttodothemselves—likeenteringabeautypageantorentertainingatakid’sbirthdayparty.IwantedtoseeifapplyingtherulesofTheSecrettomylifewouldbringmetheperfecthappinessthatitpromises.Butmillionsofyouhavealreadybeatenmetothisone.Therearenow5.3millioncopiesofthebookinprintintheUnitedStates,andpublisherSimon&Schustersaysitissellingabout150,000aweek.AseparateDVDversionhassoldatleast1.5millioncopies.GroupshaveformedtodiscusshowtobestlivebyTheSecret’srules.ItisaNo.1best-sellerinAustralia,England,andIreland,anditisscheduledtobetranslatedinto30languages. Advertisement Advertisement Advertisement Advertisement Advertisement There’snosecrettoTheSecret.Thebookandmoviesimplystatethatyourthoughtscontroltheuniverse.Throughthis“lawofattraction”you“manifest”yourdesires.“Itisexactlylikeplacinganorderfromacatalogue.…Youmustknowthatwhatyouwantisyoursthemomentyouask.”“Seeyourselflivinginabundanceandyouwillattractit.Itworkseverytime,witheveryperson.”Theappealisobvious.Forgeteducation,effort,performance.Everythingyouwant—money,power,comfortableshoes—isyourssimplybywantingitenough. Therearecertaincaveats.Apparentlytheuniversehasalanguage-processingdisorderanddoesn’tcomprehendstandardEnglishusageofthewordsdon’t,not,andno.So,asthebookexplains,ifyousummontheuniversebysaying,“Idon’twanttospillsomethingonthisoutfit,”theuniversetranslatesthisas,“Iwanttospillsomethingonthisoutfit.”IfonlyRhondaByrne,thetelevisionproducerwhoistheauthorofthebookandcreatoroftheDVD,hadbeentheretocounselthosenegativeauthorsoftheTenCommandments! Advertisement ByrnesaysShakespeare,Newton,Lincoln,andEinsteinallowedtheirachievementstotheirunderstandingofthelawofattraction.Sheassertsthat“thediscoveriesofquantumphysics…areintotalharmonywiththeteachingsofTheSecret.”Toprovethis,sheexplains,“Ineverstudiedscienceorphysicsatschool,andyetwhenIreadcomplexbooksonquantumphysicsIunderstoodthemperfectlybecauseIwantedtounderstandthem.”(Popquiz,Rhonda:Whatistheenergyofasinglephoton[ineV]fromalightsourcewithawavelengthof400nm?)ThebookisdottedwithquotationsfromgreatmenofhistorythatsupposedlybackupTheSecret’sassertions.TakethisonefromWinstonChurchill:“Youcreateyourownuniverseasyougoalong.”SomethingaboutthisstruckmeassoundingnotterriblyChurchillian.IlookeditupanditturnedoutChurchilldidwriteit,butitwashismockingcharacterizationofthemetaphysicaltwitsofhisday. Advertisement Advertisement Advertisement Advertisement Advertisement Givenmyskepticism,howcouldImakemyselfbelieveinTheSecretenoughtogiveitafairtest?ToquoteoneofTheSecret’savatars,RalphWaldoEmerson,“Afoolishconsistencyisthehobgoblinoflittleminds.”Clearly,TheSecretisdrivel,butwhyshouldthatstopmefromsincerelythrowingmyselfintoseeingifitworked?Iamalreadydeeplysusceptibletosuperstitionandseeingsigns—ifIfindapenny(faceuponly),Ipickitupknowingsomethinggoodwillhappentome.Asself-absorbedasIalreadyam,IlovedthepermissionthebookgavetosinkdeeperintoaJacuzziofmegalomania.AsTheSecretpointsout:“YouarethemasteroftheUniverse.Youaretheheirtothekingdom.YouaretheperfectionofLife.”JustasI’dalwayssuspected! Advertisement So,IvowedtofollowByrne’ssimplerulesforabundanceandseewhathappened.Thebookencouragesonetostartbig:“Itisaseasytomanifestonedollarasitistomanifestonemilliondollars.”ButIthoughtstartingwiththemillion-dollarmanifestationwaslikesaying,“Iloveyou”onafirstdate;Ididn’twanttoscaretheuniverseintonottakingmycalls.IcameupwiththreethingsIthoughttheuniversewouldfindreasonable:akitchenfloor,uncloggedsinuses,andanewdesk. Advertisement AtthispointIshouldaddthatTheSecretisnotonlydrivel—it’sperniciousdrivel.Theobviousquestionthatarisesfromitsclaimthatit’seasytogetwhatyouwant,is:Whydosomanypeoplegetwhattheydon’twant?AsByrnewrites,“Imperfectthoughtsarethecauseofallhumanity’sills,includingdisease,poverty,andunhappiness.”Yes,accordingtoTheSecret,peopledon’tjustrandomlyendupbeingmassacred,forexample.Theyareinthewrongplacebecauseoftheirownlousythinking.Cancerpatientshavelongbeenvictimsofthisschoolofbelief.ButTheSecrettakesittoanewandmorerepulsivelevelwithitsadvicenotjusttoblamepeoplefortheirillness,buttoshunthem,lestyoustartbeinginfectedbytheirbummerthoughts,too. Advertisement Advertisement Butlook,Ineededakitchenfloor,andifabandoningsickfriendsandlovedoneswaswhatwasrequired—well,whoreallyenjoysthosebedsidevisits,anyway?Werecentlyrenovatedourhouse,andeverythingwentgreatexceptourkitchenfloor.RememberbeingtoldinschoolthattheHolyRomanEmpirewasneitherholy,Roman,noranempire?Mykitchenfloorwassupposedtobeacid-stainedconcrete.Andwhileitwasafloor,itturnedouttobeneitheracid-stainednorconcrete.Insteaditwasmadeofsomesortofepoxy,withasurfacethatlookedasifmydoghadfallenintoamudpitandthencomeinsideandrolledalloverit.Ispentweeksattemptingtofindaneasy,inexpensivewaytoresurfaceit.Oneconcreteguysaidifhecameittofixit,I’dhavetoremoveallmyappliancesandbaseboards,lethimgrinddowntheexistingfloorandpouranewsurface,andpayhim$4,000todoit.Thankfully,hedecidedthejobwastoosmallandtroublesometobeworthit.Coveringthefloorwithcorktileswouldalsorequireapplianceremovalandanoutlayofabout$3,500.Andsoitwentwitheveryalternative. Advertisement Advertisement Advertisement So,IfollowedTheSecret’srecommendationandnotifiedtheuniverse’scallcenterthatIwantedaquick,economical,pleasing,anddurablekitchenfloor.OnceIdidthat,thenextstepwastoentersuchanintensestateofvisualizationthatitwasasifmynewflooralreadyexisted.Byrnewrites:“Ashortcuttomanifestingyourdesiresistoseewhatyouwantasabsolutefact.”Althoughnormallypeoplewhoseethingsthataren’tthereareconsidereddelusional,IwentwithByrne’srecommendationto“actasifyouhaveitalready.”Onedaymyhusbandcalledfromworktocheckonvarioushouseissues,andIsaid,“I’msogratefulthatIfinallygotabeautifulkitchenfloor.” Advertisement Advertisement Advertisement “Areyouonsomething?”heasked. ItturnsoutIwasonauniversalhighbecauseafewnightslaterIawokeat3a.m.fromadreamthathadsuppliedtheanswer:Paintthefloortolooklikeacid-stainedconcrete!ThenextmorningIsearchedtheinternetandcontactedeveryfauxpainterwithina50-mileradius.Onlyone,DeanneLenehanCunningham,agreedtocomeandtakealook.Shehadneverdoneafloorandwasconcernedwhetherherproductswouldadheretothesealantnowonmyfloor.Shesaidshewouldtalktothemanufacturer,seeifwaspossible,thengiveusanestimate.  Advertisement Whenaweekwentbywithoutacallback,myhusbandsuggestedIphoneher,andthatIalsoexploreotheralternativesjustincase.NormallyItendtowardtheanxiouslyobsessive,andIwouldhavealreadybeendoingthat.InsteadItoldhimitwasn’tnecessarybecausewealreadyhadaperfectkitchenfloor.Secret-speakrequiresthisoddfuture-presentconstruction,whichmyhusbandcametocall,“soundinglikeamoron.” Advertisement ButasByrnesoamplyproves,theuniverselovespeoplewhosoundlikemorons.Deannefinallygotbacktous,saidshecoulddoit,andthatshewouldchargeus$912.Wenowhaveagorgeous,glowingfloor.AndIhadtoadmitjustsittingbackandlettingmydesiresmanifestfreedupalotoftime—andwasmuchmorerelaxingthantryingtotakecareofthingsmyself. Withthatsuccess,Imovedontomysinuses.Eachspring,pollencausesmynosetoresembleadripirrigationdevice.Ispendmonthssprayingmynostrilsandpoppingantihistamines.WhynotputinaSecretrequesttogetridofmyallergies?Afterall,thefiftysomethingByrnedescribeshowittookheronlythreedaysofproperthinkingtogetridofherreadingglassesandrestorehereyesighttothatofatwentysomething.SoIshelvedthedrugs,walkedmydog,breatheddeep,andexpressedgratitudeformysensationalsinuses. Advertisement Advertisement Advertisement Advertisement Thisworkedgreatforweeks,throughoneofthemostfrigidspringsonrecord,andIwasstartingtothinkthatmaybemyfatherwasright,maybepeoplelikeByrnereallyknewhowtheworldworked.Thentheweatherwarmedupandtheairwasthickwithpollen.Myeyesswelled,mynosestartedpouring,andIendedupwithasinusinfectionandabagofmedicationsfromtheotolaryngologist.Ofcourse,onecouldsayTheSecretfailed.Butlookatitthisway:WhenIfirststartedimaginingmyselfdrip-free,theuniverserespondedbysendingacoldsnap!ThenbecauseIbecamesoblaséaboutmysinuses,theuniversedecidedtowarmthingsupagain.SurelythereisalessonhereforAlGore. Advertisement Finally,thedesk.Ihadspentmonthsdraggingmyselfaroundtofurniturestoresandcruisingtheinternetforthedesk,whichIcanseequiteclearly:It’ssleekandmadeofsteel,L-shaped,withplentyofworkspaceontopandstoragebelow.Unfortunately,noonewhomanufacturesdesksalsoseesit.FollowingTheSecret’sprecepts,Istoppedwastingmytimelookingforitandinsteadexpressedmygratitudeforitsarrival.I’venowspentsixweeksvisualizingthisdesktonoeffect.Perhapstheproblemissignalinterferencefrommyhusband,whokeepssuggestingImanifestthewordIkeaintomysearchengineandjustorderadamndesk. Orperhapstheproblemisthatmillionsofpeoplearenowputtingintheirordersandtheuniverse’sservershavecrashed.Ormaybeit’ssomethingelse.AsoneofByrne’sfavorites,AlbertEinstein,said(inaquotethatdoesn’tmakeitintoTheSecret):“Onlytwothingsareinfinite,theuniverseandhumanstupidity,andI’mnotsureabouttheformer.” Tweet Share Comment Advertisement Advertisement